Primate Paranoia
by Spartan-Guy 88
Summary: Rated T for language. Chapter 1: Monkey believes that everyone is now out to get him. Can he overcome his paranoia?


A/N: Here's the deal-io on this series. Let's face it, everyone on the planet has one or some of those days where they ask themselves, "Why does this happen to me?" I'm guessing the warriors of the Jade Palace are no different. This series focuses on just several of the rather unfortunate events these kung fu masters have to deal with.

Let's start with someone who has got to be the most under-used main character in fan fiction. Monkey.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN KUNG FU PANDA. DREAMWORKS DOES. DEAL WITH IT.

_**There Are No Accidents**_

_By: Spartanguy88_

**Paranoid Primate**

His eyes snapped open, bringing him out of the always enchanting realm known as The Dream World; where endless possibilities of visions can be seen just by sleeping. Some may be good, others bad, sometimes a mix of both. Either way, they can for give someone a taste of something new for several hours. But that time was over, and the golden-furred languor now had to wake up.

_Dang, and I was just about to rescue the princess from the evil fire-breathing, two headed monster… Oh well. _Master Monkey put his two hands behind his head as he laid on his bed. The sun has now risen, it was morning; the newest day of the Reality World has just begun. _And once again, I am several minutes early before the morning bell._

Whenever that happened, he would take the time to think over what big events were planned for the day, or what he should do if there wasn't anything special going on. _Uh… let's see here Monkey. What do you have planned for today…? Oh yeah, that's right! I promised Po I would help him with weapon combat today. Man, that guy's really come around since we've first met him six months ago. _

Since Po defeated Tai Lung and brought peace to the Valley, the Jade Palace, the Furious Five, and Master Shifu; he has been working his tail off to master the Thousand Scrolls of Kung Fu. Po, along with everyone else, came to acknowledge that despite his "unique" fighting skills, they were not going to work against every future opponent he'll face; whether be it a lowly bunch of bandits or a group of hardened mercenaries; they had to make sure that Po would be ready for when that time comes. Therefore they, along with their master, have taken the liberty of aiding the Dragon Warrior by giving advice or help him with whatever scroll he's having a difficult time with.

_Let's see here… what else? Oh right, I gotta make sure no one is stealing my almond cookies… again. I swear to the gods, when I find out who the jerk is that is stealing them, I'm gonna make them wish they never even laid eyes on that jar. _

He then started to think about something else that has been puzzling him all week. _But, I'm pretty sure that there's something else going on today. Something absolutely important… to me. I just… man I wish I could remember!_

Before he could ponder about his predicament any further, he heard a large bell go off from somewhere on the Jade Mountain. _Whoa, no time for that! _He jumped out of his bed and made his way towards the door as quickly as he could. Monkey opened the door, stepped outside, and greeted his master with the other members of the Five .

"Good morning Master." They all said in unison.

As he stood in attention, he heard Po walk out of his room and said, "Good morning Master." Only he sounded a bit more tired than the rest of them. _Wow, that's actually two seconds faster than yesterday. I'm seriously impressed Po! _But he knew that it still wasn't going to save him from running five laps up and down the long stairs as a punishment for not being up and running like everyone else. No one said being a kung fu master was easy after all, nor will it ever will be easy for anyone. And just because Po defeated Tai Lung doesn't mean he'll be treated more fairly than everyone else, not by a long shot. _But who knows, maybe Master Shifu will let him do it __without__ the leg-weights this time. Maybe…_

**TWO HOURS LATER…**

Po staggered backwards a little after taking a hit to his side, courtesy of a certain primate kung fu master wielding a wooden staff. The panda was also using a staff; he and Monkey were currently engaged in a sparring match on the Training Grounds. The rest of the Five were training inside the kwoon; and Shifu was over by the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom meditating. Po has for the last several days been practicing forms using a staff, and now it was time to see if he has either mastered the art of staff combat, or if he still needs more practice. Master Shifu told Po that he needs to get in at least one good strike against Monkey. Unfortunately, he has had no success so far.

_At least he's doing much better than his first day here… _Monkey remembered back then, when Po first began training at the Jade Palace. On that day he had a staff match against Monkey… well, it actually wasn't even considered a match. It was more like… getting pulverized by the master of the Monkey style of kung fu. This time, however, the Dragon Warrior was faring far better than his first time. Po managed to block most of his opponent's blows and even managed to get some attacks of his own in as well, even though they were all blocked or deflected. _I know you can do this Po; but that doesn't mean I'm gonna make it any easier for you._

The panda recovered from his latest mishap, and got into his fighting stance again; as did the languor. Then, seemingly at unison, they went at each other once more. Monkey sent in attacks from the sides, which Po was able to block; the languor then tried to do a leg sweep with his staff. Much to his (and everyone else's) surprise, Po managed to jump high above the weapon's reach, and he brought his staff down with much force. It made contact with Monkey's head, knocking him to the ground and dropping his staff. _OW!!!!!!_ Po landed on the ground next to him and walked up to Monkey, worried that he may have seriously hurt him. To his relief, however, Monkey was still conscious, if a little dazed. His eyes focused enough to see Po's large paw reaching down to him. Taking notice, Monkey took his paw and was pulled back onto his feet.

"You okay Monkey? I didn't hit you too hard there; did I?" Po asked.

Monkey rubbed his head and groaned a little; but he shook it off and looked over at the Dragon Warrior with a smirk. "Nothing to worry about Po. Trust me, I've been through much worse. That was a great strike back there."

Po chuckled a little bit before replying, "Great? _Great?! _Don't you mean-?"

"Awesome?" Monkey finished with a sly grin on his face.

"Uh, yeah!" Po answered. They both then gave each other a respectful kung fu salute and bowed to each other. The residents of the Jade Palace had begun to catch on to Po's signature catchphrases; such as 'Shashaboey' or 'Skadoosh'. The latter made both Monkey and Mantis laugh their lungs out upon learning that it was the last thing the Dragon Warrior said before employing the Wuxi Finger Hold on Tai Lung.

Afterward, Po left with Shifu down to the village and to Mr. Ping's, the panda's father, noodle restaurant. Every now and then, Po would aid the delusional but good-hearted goose with serving the customers with the village famed Secret Ingredient Soup. And as for Shifu, it was that time of the week where he would play a friendly game of mahjong against Mr. Ping. _I wonder how badly Shifu will lose to Mr Ping this time?_

Shortly after the Dragon Warrior and his (and everyone's for that matter) master had departed, he heard Viper and Crane talking to each other. He couldn't hear too much of what they were saying to each other, but he could have made out the words 'won't see it coming'. Finally letting curiosity get a hold of him, the languor walked over to the serpent and bird. _Alright, let's see what you two have cooking up this time._

"Who won't see it coming?" He asked. But to his bemusement, both Crane and Viper seemed rather startled at Monkey coming over to them in the middle of their discussion. _What the…?_

Viper then nervously said to him, "Oh, we were just… uhm… oh you know…" She gave a look to Crane which said 'Help me!'.

"Uh… discussing what new moves we should try on the next group of bandits we take on." Crane quickly added; which Viper quickly went along with. And before Monkey could ask anything else, his two companions made excuses to get away from him. He thought about it for a few seconds, but then shrugged and went back to work. _Meh, it's probably nothing. They're good friends with each other. And what do good friends like to do? Gossip and keep secrets of course._

Some time passed after his little intrusion on his comrades'. Monkey was in the bunkhouse, headed for the kitchen to see if someone is indeed going after his cookie jar; and therefore catch the thief once and for all. But along the way, he heard Viper giggling from her room. Once again allowing the curiosity take a firm control of his conscience, he pressed his ear to the door of her room.

The primate kung fu master could hear what sounded like paper crinkling and some rope being tied into knots. Monkey could also hear Viper's cheery voice from within. "Monkey isn't going to believe what we have in store for him!"

Taking his ear off of the door and quietly walking away the door with a puzzled expression, Monkey couldn't help but feel a bit at a loss of words. _What does she mean by 'what we have in store for him'? Something tells me I'm not going to like this… _He needed to talk to someone about all of this. Having already eliminated Viper from the list, Crane being a possible accomplice, Po and Shifu still at Mr. Ping's noodle shop, and Tigress busy doing some more training (which she NEVER likes to be interrupted during), that just left his best friend…

_Mantis. Of course, I'll talk to him. Hell, we're practically brothers! Surely he'll understand. _While Monkey did consider his fellow students as his brothers and sisters in arms, he and Mantis have developed a strong friendship for as long as they have known each other. Training with each other almost all of the time, getting into debates over seemingly boring topics to everyone else, it was as if the gods placed these two in China to be best friends with each other. _Besides, who else is gonna replace Viper's cosmetics kit with house paint and chili powder, or hide Po's action figures, or make fun of Crane when he's working on his calligraphy when we both know he's really been practicing all this time to make not just any other letter, but a love letter, to his 'girlfriend' from Li Dai? Ha! We are the __**kings**__ at what we do!_

His prideful thoughts were cut short as he entered the kitchen, and saw something that put them to shame. Monkey saw Mantis climbing a shelf, getting pretty awfully close to a certain cookie jar. _What is he- He isn't! Is he? _The languor cleared his throat loud enough for the insect to hear. Mantis froze, then turned around to see his golden furred friend standing in the doorway.

"Oh! Hey there Monkey, my main man!" Mantis said with what Monkey believed was a sense of nervousness. "I was just- uh… getting some spices for Po so he can- uh- make something exquisite for dinner tonight." _You don't have to try to lie me Mantis. But seeing that I've got something to get off of my chest here…_

Taking both a big sigh and a seat in one of the chairs near the table, he spoke. "Mantis, I need to talk to you about something…"

Mantis, seemingly having dropped the whole charade of climbing to the jar, hopped down onto the table across the primate and asked, "Is something bothering you?"

The simian nodded and explained, "Have you ever had those days where it feels like someone is going to do something to you, but you don't know if it's either not going to happen or you don't know what it is? Well I'm kinda having one of those days right now. You know what I'm talking about?"

"Yeah, I do. It's called paranoia." Mantis replied; "It's like a disease: if you don't get control of it, it can make you pretty crazy man. I had to do it the hard way, you know, several years before I came here, when I was locked in a cage for over two weeks by those damn bandits…" He trailed off upon remembering those days when he learned the importance of being patient.

Finally snapping back to the present, being a 'gift' as a certain deceased tortoise once compared it to, Mantis continued; "Anyway, try not to let it get to you dude. I'm pretty sure whatever's going on for you is nothing serious; just in your head."

Monkey gave a small sigh of relief and thanked his friend for the advice; whom then decided to go organize his acupuncture kit in his room. But as he and Monkey began to leave the kitchen, the primate (not taking any chances) went back in and grabbed his cookie jar to bring it with him so he can hide it underneath his bed. Mantis simply rolled his eyes, still claiming he wasn't going after the jar. _That was a close call, on both the jar and Viper's so called 'scheme'. I still can't believe it was Mantis going after the jar this whole time! I was so certain that it was Po but… man._

Just as he placed the jar underneath his bed, he heard what sounded like two people talking in the hall way. What he heard stunned him beyond belief. It was Mantis and Viper.

"He may be suspicious, but don't worry Viper; that sucker doesn't have a clue. I made sure of it." Mantis said.

Viper replied, "Perfect, now get to what you have to do. We can't afford to ruin the ceremony we have for Monkey…"

Monkey's right eye began to twitch_…Okay… remain calm. Remain calm… remain calm…_

**ONE HOUR LATER…**

"THAT SON OF A BITCH!" Monkey yelled as he broke yet another piece of wood with his fist. He was doing his best to let off steam in the training yard, after hearing the betrayal of his best friend. If these were better circumstances, he would have been celebrating the fact that he has just broken his record of most pieces of wood smashed in one day; let alone one hour.

_How could I have been so stupid?! How many people are involved on this anyway? _"Why is everyone out to get me all of the sudden?!" He yelled.

"Master Monkey." An all too familiar voice called from behind him. And sure enough as the simian turned towards the voice, he saw Master Shifu standing before him. Immediately placing his right fist into his left palm, the kung fu salute, and standing in attention, Monkey could only brace himself for what he was pretty sure what his master was going to scold him for.

Finally, the red panda spoke, but not with as much anger as the simian predicted, "Master Monkey, would you please explain why you seem so… agitated. And please be honest." Clearly an understatement; Monkey knew that Shifu was demanding to know why he was so pent up with anger and taking it out on an abnormally large amount of wood.

After taking a deep sigh Monkey, with as much calmness and sincerity as he could muster, explained to his master everything he had heard and what he thought was going on during the moments up to now. Shifu paused for several moments, taking in everything his golden-furred student had relayed to him.

The red panda at last looked back up at the languor. "I see… so you believe your brothers and sisters in arms, the ones you've fought and trained alongside with for years, are now suddenly out to get you?" Shifu spoke, with no intention of leaving out the ill-faded logic in Monkey's claims.

Monkey, rather sheepishly, only nodded. "…Yes; but I-" he stopped himself. _Just stop right there. Don't wanna say anything I'll regret later on._

Shifu on the other hand took a deep sigh and said, "Monkey, you clearly need to relax. The rest of the Five and the Dragon Warrior are not just your fellow students; but your friends as well. Would they **ever** turn on you? Stab you in the back?"

_Okay… I think I just won the award for dumbest master of the year. _"…No. They would never do such a thing. Forgive me master." He lowered his head to the ground, feeling foolish for even thinking that his friends would betray him so cruelly.

But much to his relief, Shifu only said calmly, "Now now, I'm sure whatever you've heard was just a big misunderstanding. I would strongly recommend retreating to your room and meditate for a while. It will help clear your head of doubt and guilt. I'll be sure to have Po retrieve you when it's time for dinner."

Monkey gave a small but hopeful smile, and gave his master another salute, which he then retuned. _Po, if you could hear my thoughts, you have no clue how thankful we all are for bringing the peace Shifu desperately needed. _But as they turned and walked away from each other, Monkey then looked back and asked, "By the way master; did you finally beat Mr. Ping in that game of mahjong?"

Shifu stopped, shook very briefly in anger and annoyance, then regained his composure. "We… had a fun game. Now please go meditate." _Translation: I've lost miserably… again… for the tenth time in a row. _Shifu may have been greatly skilled in many things, but mahjong certainly wasn't one of them. After all, being a professional in the popular game ran in Mr. Ping's family. _His great grand-daddy did win that restaurant in one of those games._

Once returning to the student dormitories and entering his room, closing the door behind him; he sat up on his stiffened tail, assumed a mid-air lotus position, closed his eyes, and began silently repeating the words "inner peace."

After about a half-hour of his meditation, he heard the muted voices of Shifu, Tigress, and Po.

"Is he getting suspicious?" He heard Tigress ask.

Shifu responded, "Monkey may have been, but I took care of it. He's in his room meditating as we speak."

Finally, the panda spoke, "Alright! Then we can get everything set up for our big surprise. It's gonna be supremely awesome!"

Monkey's eyes shot open faster than he could ever imagine. Did he hear that correctly? Shifu was in on the conspiracy as well?

_Oh my gods… this is crazy in a box with a side order of dumplings._

**ONE AND A HALF HOURS LATER…**

_Damn it all. How could this have happened to me? First the Five, then Po… now Shifu?! What did I ever do to them anyway? Why is life so unfair?_

"Aargh! This sucks! What should I do?!" He yelled to himself as he sat holding his legs while sitting on his bed. He felt like he was going mad with paranoia. _This is even worse than when Mantis locked himself in his room for three whole days and refused to come out; believing that the trees were going to come to life and extinguish all life everywhere…._

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"**We have abused their kind for too long!" The insect cried from inside his room. "We are bad people! WHY DID WE USHER FORTH THE LEAF APOCOLYPSE?!?!" **

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"Someone, give me a sign please!" He cried rhetorically. And as if he was going any madder, he noticed a small light coming onto his left shoulder. He turned and saw a small flame, but it then disappeared and replacing it was a smaller version of himself; except this Monkey had a pair of horns sticking out of his head and was wearing a red version of his trousers.

"I'll tell you what you gotta do: Just get in there and beat the hell out of everyone! Those back-stabbing bastards deserve it! Show 'em whose boss! Yeah!" Evil Monkey yelled with enthusiasm.

But before Monkey could say anything, another light came onto his right shoulder. This one however was a white cloud. And when it disappeared, replacing it was another version of himself; this one didn't have any horns, but had a white version of his trousers.

"No, that would be mean." Good Monkey explained, "Instead of hurting everyone, why not give them all some of your almond cookies and make amends with them?"

Yet while Monkey was deliberating the logic of how this was happening, Evil Monkey shouted at his counter-part, "Shut up you stupid do-gooder. It's punchin' time!"

Monkey's eyes darted back and forth between the two imaginary (?) figures that were **supposed **to give him advise.

"Who you callin' stupid Mr. Evil?" Good Monkey retorted.

"Who you callin' Mr. Evil; you stupid goody-goody two-shoes?!"

Good Monkey finally had enough, "That does it! You are so going down for that you demonic dumb-ass!"

And just like that, Good Monkey and Evil Monkey lunged at each other and fought each other on their person's bed; much to the annoyance of said languor. "Hey! Knock it off you idiots; I'm trying to figure out what to do here…" _Oh great… now I'm talking to figments of my own imagination._

But as if on cue, another white cloud appeared, and out came… a good version of Tigress. "Ugh, just get out there and find out what in the world is going on already." Good Tigress advised.

However, Evil Tigress then appeared right next to her. "Yeah, get out there and if they don't tell you what's going on, **make them!" **She yelled while unsheathing her claws. _…What the hell…?! _

Just then, an evil version of Po appeared next to her. "Yeah!" He cried, "Show that goody-goody-two-shoes just how awesome your evilness is!" By then, both Evil and Good Monkey stopped fighting each other and each took a stand by their respective partners.

Then Good Po appeared and encouraged Good Tigress. "Are you really gonna take that sitting down? Get in there and show her and blind her with your awesome goodness!"

And before Monkey could say anything else, pretty much the rest of the Five and Shifu's Good and Evil personas appeared on his bed and began arguing with each other. As he listened to all twelve of them, when they weren't arguing about what Monkey should do about his current situation (which was almost never), they were shouting both obnoxious and vile taunts and insults at each group.

"You clearly lack any logic of any goodness in any of this!" Good Crane shouted.

"Yeah?! Well… your **face **lacks goodness!" Evil Mantis responded.

"Where did you get that make-up? The Princess of Goodness and Prettiness Academy?" Evil Viper yelled at her counter part.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU STUPID BITCH?!?!" Good Viper screamed.

"Don't you **dare **call any of my students stupid!" Evil Shifu bellowed.

"Don't tell us what to do old man!" Good Mantis screamed.

Evil Monkey then shouted, "Don't you make me come over there you little-!"

"**SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!"** Regular Monkey growled at the fourteen Good and Evil versions of the Jade Palace residents; causing all of them to stop their argument and slowly glance fearfully at the fuming languor.

Even when Monkey took a deep breath to calm himself, his right eye was twitching so fast that it could greatly compete with Shifu's trademark eye twitch. He first eyed his two respective counter-parts. "_You two_ are supposed to _help me_ with my problems without beating the hell out of each other!

Monkey then sharply glanced towards the rest of the miniature versions of his comrades and master. "And **you!!!**" They all backed away a few steps with horrified looks on their faces. "What the hell are you guys doing here in the first place?! Why aren't you with your persons? Huh?!"

For a few moments, all twelve of them glanced at each other, seemingly unsure of what to say next. Then Good Mantis finally gave him a rather cryptic answer. "Uhm… our persons are **way **too busy with whatever it is they're planning for you to listen to any of us."

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"'What they're planning for me…' I knew it! They're out to get me!" Monkey said with increasing despair.

As he began pacing back and forth across his room in front of the fourteen small figures he started mumbling all sorts of possibilities of what they want to do to him. One of them was freezing him and sending him to the future. Another was re-creating what Po did when he first entered the Jade Palace, only this time using one-thousand fireworks so he could hopefully reach the moon.

He gulped and continued, "Or worse… they could've joined some cult and- Oh gods! And I'm not a part of whatever it is! Any second now they could be coming down that hallway chanting something like 'We demand a sacrifice!' or 'Kill the non-believer!'"

Before Monkey could continue with his rant on what his (former?) friends and surrogate family had in store for him, he heard hard breathing coming from the bed. He turned and that it was coming from Good Viper. In fact she seemed rather panicked at the moment.

"I can't stand it anymore…" She started, then continued with absolute despair, "I gotta get out of here… I gotta get out of here!"

Evil Viper then rushed up to her and tried to shake her out of her counter-part's madness with her tail. "Calm down! Get a hold of yourself!"

But then Evil Mantis gently pushed Evil Viper out of the way saying, "Excuse me, I'll handle this." He then roughly shook Good Viper and even slapped her with his pincer. "Calm down already!"

He was then pushed out of the way by Good Po, "Dude, I've got this… CALM DOWN!!! IT'S GONNA BE FINE!!!" He then slapped Good Viper across the face.

Looking behind the two figures, he saw that all of the others had begun to form a single-file line, waiting for their turn to snap Good Viper out of her panicked state. Some of them even had objects in their hands: Good Tigress had a piece of wood with several nails sticking out of it. Evil Crane held in his wings a dagger. Evil Shifu himself carried a large war-hammer. And Evil Po cradled a crossbow with a flaming arrow. Monkey couldn't take it any more; He pressed his hands against his ears and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the madness. _This can't be happening. Why is everything so bonkers?! _

Finally snapping open his eyes, he saw that they were all gone. It was now just him in his room. _Yes! I'm not in Crazy-Land anymore! _After his small relief, he listened closely to the group of voices that were now coming from down the hallway; most likely in the kitchen.

"I think we're ready. Po, go get Monkey and bring him in here." He heard someone, he couldn't tell who, say. Pausing for a few quick moments, he then cracked his knuckles and took a deep breath. _If that's how it's gonna be, fine. If they think they can take me, they're gonna have to fight for it! _The primate then climbed onto one of the rafters that hung just above the doorway and waited for the Dragon Warrior to show up. A few moments more, and the door was opened and Po stepped in.

"Monkey?" he asked as he searched for his comrade. "Dude, it's uh… time for dinner. Hello?" Po took a few more steps forward, but Monkey decided to wait a little bit longer; he wanted to see the bear's started face when he decided to literally leap into action.

Po then shrugged and said to himself, "Shifu said Monkey would be in here…" But just as he turned around to go back into the kitchen… Monkey let out a primal scream and leapt onto the panda's head.

Screaming with absolute shock and horror, Po tilted and wobbled erratically; his arms flailed as he attempted to get Monkey off of his head. But Monkey spun around to the back of his head and started to yank on his ears… very hard. They both shouted and screamed even as Po smashed through the paper and wood wall and into the hallway.

"**You think you can take me down?!"**

"Monkey! What's wrong with you dude?!"

"**You are NOT going to freeze me!!!"**

"Guys, help! He's gone ape!!!"

"…**WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!?!?!?"**

Monkey was now pounding his fist into the side of his head. But Po had somehow managed to stagger into the doorway of the kitchen. Monkey then looked into the kitchen, ready to take on anyone else willing to do who knows what to him.

But just as suddenly the fight began, it stopped abruptly. Monkey's jaw started to open slowly, as with his eyes widening, and his fist slowly coming to a stop on Po's head. Inside the kitchen was a large banner draped over the table. And after reading what it said… everything slowly made sense. _Oh… shit. I knew I was forgetting something about today…_

Today was his birthday.

He looked down from the banner to the occupants of the room. Monkey saw the rest of the Five looking at him in absolute bizarre shock. And Shifu stared at him as well, with one of his eyes twitching.

"Guys…" Po then said very wearily, "If you don't mind, I'm just gonna stop standing up now…" And he fell to the floor, holding the side of his head; which had a reasonably large bruise on it. Monkey leapt off of him just as he did so. Looking back at the others, he couldn't find any words to say. In fact, for several long and very awkward moments, it was absolutely silent.

Finally Mantis broke the silence. "…Uh… dude? Why in the hell did you just unleash the beast all over Po's head?"

Looking down at the Dragon Warrior, Monkey then rushed over to him and started checking on his injuries as well as apologizing profusely. "Oh gods! Oh my gods! Po, I am **so** sorry! I forgot today was my birthday and I was just- I mean… I thought-"

A bit to his relief though, Po then regained self awareness and started to get back onto his feet. "Dude, relax. I'll be fine. Besides I'm sure you had your reasons for going Captain Insane-O back there…

Monkey knew he had to best explain himself immediately before things got any more complicated then they really had to be. So, after making sure that Po would be fine, though he would have Mantis take a better look at him later on, everyone took a seat at the table, and the primate ran through how his day went. From getting suspicious about what everyone kept saying about him, to the strange vision of seeing all of the good and evil versions of themselves. He then proceeded to list all of the things he thought was going to happen to him, which much to his relief made several of the others to laugh out loud.

"I figured since I've pretty much ruined the surprise party, it's only fair that you should know what I was thinking." Monkey finished. Everyone seemed to have calmed down quite a bit after hearing his side of the ordeal; though they all did bicker briefly with each other for not doing a very good job at keeping the ceremony discreet.

"Monkey," Tigress said, "If we ever joined a cult, trust me, you would know."

Crane then added, "The same would be if we ever decide to freeze you."

Before anyone could say anything else, Viper slid a small but neatly wrapped box in front of Monkey. He looked down on it, then back up to see everyone with expectant faces on each of them. For those few moments, he recalled Viper's words from earlier. _Duh, of course! A birthday gift. I'm such an idiot. _Monkey ripped the wrapping off and saw what was inside:

A cook book for bakery needs.

"Oh wow!" Monkey exclaimed, "You guys know my likes." Indeed, he enjoyed making baked treats whenever he had spare time; from both training and pulling pranks on everyone alongside Mantis. Almond cookies were his specialty.

Shifu cleared his throat to gain his attention, and then spoke. "Yes, now I do believe it is wise for us to enjoy this celebration. But Monkey, considering that you have beat up a fellow student, don't think this will go un-punished." For a moment, panic swept onto Monkey's face, but the aged red panda continued; "Oh don't worry it's nothing too serious. You're just going to be stuck with dishes tonight. And from the sounds of what happened back in your room, you will be busy tomorrow repairing the door and wall."

There was a brief pause for a couple of seconds, then Monkey sighed and said, "Okay. I guess I did have that coming." _Even though it wasn't entirely my fault they made me paranoid over nothing. Mantis was right… paranoia can make one do crazy things._

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A/N: And there you have it folks. The first story to my new one shot series. This was originally supposed to be a stand alone one shot. But when I saw just how popular one shot series' are on the KFP page in particular, I figured I had to join in on the fad.

I'm just glad I finally got this done after so many things distracting me. Work, movies, video games, personal issues… But now that this is out, I should try to update a bit more frequently. Also, hope you guys caught the rather obvious _Airplane! _reference.

Read and Review! Please?


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